I can’t help wondering about things. I’m like an annoying toddler who’s just learnt the word ‘why?’. I like facts, and I like answers. I know things are rarely black and white, and that in between, there are way more than just fifty shades of grey. I know that finding a reason why something has happened doesn’t change the fact that it’s happened. And I know that sometimes, there just isn’t a reason at all. But… but… 

One of the things I keep wondering, is what I’m supposed to be feeling. When I was diagnosed, for example. Was I supposed to be devastated to learn I had cancer? Or ecstatic to learn it was treatable? When I was having treatment, was I supposed to feel down because of all the unpleasant side effects? Or grateful that the drugs that were causing them were also blasting the cancer cells into oblivion? 

Now that most of the treatment is out of the way, and that the signs are pretty positive so far, is it ok to miss the daily appointments just a little bit? Those nurses were such good company. And the daily monitoring was really very reassuring. Is it ok to care that my current short hairstyle makes me feel a bit middle aged? And that I don’t currently have the energy to jump out of bed at 5.30am to run 10K and then ride a horse before work? You know, in the context of those things not really mattering at all, and being fit and well and everything. Oh, and alive.

I also can’t help wondering whether the things I’m wondering up about are the things I was wondering about before. Whether I’m more or less bothered by the same things. Or whether I’ve changed. And if I have, whether I should be trying to get back to how things were. To how I was before. Or should I be concentrating on becoming comfortable with the ‘new me’? If there is a ‘new me’. And is that really someone so different? Or just the same person who has dealt with some additional stuff?

Amongst all this endless wondering, I guess I do have some answers. Just maybe not the neat, definitive ones I’d like. I know there aren’t any rules. That there’s no right and wrong. I feel what I feel, it’s not right or wrong, it just is. I’m the same person, obviously, but I’m changed. And that might change how I deal with some stuff. Or it might not. I’ll never know, because I didn’t have to deal with those things before. I know I can’t do anything about what’s happened. And I also, weirdly, know that I’m not sure I’d want to, even if I could. Because actually, a lot of good stuff has gone on in the past year. 

I know I haven’t lost my sense of curiosity. Oh, and that my navel is probably absolutely sick of all the attention.