Today I have learnt many things. Granted, none of them particularly useful, but I’m squeezing a blog post out of them anyway.

I’ve just done the Santa Dash. Which, for anyone who hasn’t had the pleasure of coming across it already, is basically a load of people who should know better, all dressed in identical Santa outfits, making a heroic attempt to run 5K. Whilst their inner thighs make a heroic attempt to start a fire with a combination of friction and highly flammable cheap Santa outfit.

So, first things first, you may not have realised it before, but I’m Santa. So do sponsor me if you’re expecting to be on my list this Christmas.

Now, onto today’s interesting points of learning. Predictably, running in synthetic fancy dress does work up a bit of a sweat. What I hadn’t previously known, however, but something of which I’m now acutely aware, is the bio-degradable nature of synthetic Santa outfits on contact with sweat. If someone were to pitch an idea for a Christmas special of Edward Scissorhands, let’s just say I’d be a dead cert for the lead role.

Finding the friend with whom you’ve arranged to do the Santa Dash might, in retrospect, have been easier had you thought of doing so before the point at which everyone has collected and donned their costume. Rather than after that point, when there are about 600 identical Santas milling about on Brighton seafront. Just a thought.

Walking back through the town centre in a Santa outfit, when all the other Santas have sensibly gone home (or possibly gone up in flames) prompts a series of interesting interactions. Santa out of context is clearly quite a novelty, and even grown adults seem to have been taken in by my convincing, if somewhat threadbare apparel.

Interestingly, I was chatted up for quite a considerable time by a fairly attractive man, whose opening line was ‘I like a woman who wears her beard with pride’. Every child I passed shouted ‘hello Santa, Merry Christmas!’, and it turns out that when a child calls you Santa, and looks quite excited to have seen you, it’s pretty much impossible not to respond with a jolly ‘ho ho ho!’. There are lots of children in town on a Saturday before Christmas. I did a lot of ‘ho ho ho’-ing.

Going into the supermarket in a Santa outfit is an experience on a whole new level. Judging by the conversations I had, literally every single person in Morrison’s today will have gone home thinking they saw the actual Santa. I caused particular concern when buying a bag of carrots for my horse. The number of shoppers who were horrified to find that Rudolf would be flying round the world in a couple of weeks fuelled only by supermarket own-brand carrots, which had been reduced to 45p, was quite astounding. Similar concern was expressed at the lack of mince pies in my basket – what on earth does Santa refuel on, if not mince pies, several people asked. And the number of shop assistants who commented on my need for a bag-for-life, when surely I had my own sack… well you can only imagine.

As a result of these impromptu interactions, my supermarket shop was much enhanced. I had a lovely chat with an elderly lady about her plans for Christmas. I went round the shop with a woman in a wheelchair to help her reach things from the higher shelves, who asked me because ‘Santa is a helpful sort, isn’t he’, and had a lovely chat with her, too. (Turns out she swam the distance of the channel in her local pool for charity last year. Which kind of overshadows my 5K). I was the subject of several selfies with Santa, and the man on the bakery counter offered me a free gingerbread man. All in all, I can thoroughly recommend it. It was a bit like the last year. Cancer was unexpected and strange. Similarly, I guess seeing Santa running about a bit and then shopping in Morrison’s is a bit unusual. But as a result of something unexpected, more unexpected things follow. And even if the original thing is, at the very least, a bit of a challenge, the consequences are often really quite fantastic. Generally involving fantastic people, and often involving things I’d never have thought of doing. I’m not sure I’d have been found doing my weekly shop in drawstring red harem pants last year, for a start.

And Santa refuels with avocado on sourdough. With a sprinkle of chilli.