I’ve spent quite a bit of time with family recently. It’s a busy time of year for birthdays, anniversaries and rained-off BBQs. And I’ve noticed, amongst all the pleasantries (you know, in that bit when you’ve just arrived, before everyone enters that weird timewarp where grown adults suddenly mutate into moody teenagers and find it impossible not to roll their eyes theatrically every time one of their parents says anything) that people tend to comment on how I’m looking, or ask how I’m feeling, in a relative rather than absolute sense. So, instead of saying ‘you look well’, someone might say ‘you’re looking so much better now’. Rather than ‘how do you feel?’, it’s usually ‘are you feeling better?’. 

I get this, obviously. I get that people mean that, on balance,  I look better with hair than without, and that they hope I’m feeling better now than when I was in the middle of chemotherapy, for example. Even so, it feels a bit strange to think about things in that way. I mean, what is this benchmark that I’m supposed to be comparing against? If it’s the lowest point I’ve experienced so far, then yes, absolutely, everything’s much better now, obviously. Because I’m not currently at that point. But there’s not a nice straight plottable trajectory from then to now, there are plenty of jagged little ups and downs on the way. And I’m pretty sure that will continue to be the case. This time last year, I felt pretty good, I’d just finished radiotherapy and started a new job. I’d just been able to start a bit of running again, and was feeling generally positive and hopeful. Six months on from that, I was frustrated at not being able to run much further than I had six months earlier, work was a bit stressful, and I was struggling a bit with the side-effects of some of the other ongoing treatment. Plus it was winter, which is never as good as summer. Although then I went on a cruise, so I wasn’t exactly having a rubbish time. Fast forward to now: I feel ok, mostly. It’s summer, but some days it still rains.

Or maybe I’m supposed to compare myself to other people. How would I tell how anyone else is feeling, though? According to Instagram everybody looks and feels better than they used to at least once a week (#TransformationTuesday), but then often feels nostalgic for an earlier time once a week too (#ThrowbackThursday). Don’t even get me started on #MondayMotivation. But no one really wants all that as an answer to the simple question of whether I’m feeling better.

Anyway, back to that summer rain. Today I went to take the horse for a ride. It was not raining. I walked the not inconsiderable distance uphill to his field. I walked the same distance back, dragging a rather unenthusiastic horse on the end of a long rope. As I walked back it started to rain. I decided it would be better not to ride, and planned to do a bit of brushing, general cuddling and feeding of carrots instead. The horse had obviously not picked up on my change of plan. As we reached the final gate, he decided not to risk being ridden in the rain, and galloped off up the hill, with his rope trailing merrily behind him. I walked the not inconsiderable distance back up the hill. I walked the same distance back, dragging the same unenthusiastic horse. So now I basically had to ride in a torrential downpour to inform the horse that galloping off up the hill was not a successful avoidance strategy. End result: soaking wet horse. Soaking wet rider. Car and possessions all smelling of wet horse (think wet dog, only several times bigger). 

Point made, though, so I definitely feel much better now. Soggy, but better.