Side effects. To quote my consultant, ‘You’re not ill with cancer. We’re going to give you some treatment with which we intend to prevent that from happening, ever. You might feel a bit ill as a result of the treatment, but then you’ll feel better again.’ 

This is true, and also helpful to remember. However sometimes you need a bit more than a stiff upper lip and a good internal talking-to to deal with the ‘feeling a bit ill as a result of the treatment’. So on top of the obvious (friends, cats, sunshine, nail varnish, chocolate) here’s some stuff I’ve found useful. Don’t be freaked out by the list – I didn’t suffer too badly with any of these, but a blog needs a bit of drama. Clearly this is just my experience and these won’t work for everyone, but might be worth a try. If in doubt, you can always try sitting in a sunny spot eating chocolate with a cat on your lap, while a friend paints your nails.

Nausea – drugs work. If they don’t, you probably need different ones. If you ask, you’ll get them. For free.

Fatigue – getting out and doing something usually makes me feel perfectly fine. Sitting about wondering whether I’m suffering from fatigue is exhausting. Obviously if you really are suffering from fatigue you might sometimes just need to lie under a blanket. Try to find a friendly cat to sit on you in this case. Cheaper than putting the heating on.

Bone pain – again, sitting about in agony thinking I might never walk again, not so good. Going for a walk and discovering that the bone pain has miraculously disappeared, quite encouraging.

Sore mouth – after spending a small fortune on a million different mouthwashes and waiting a week to be able to eat something other than ice cream, I found that rinsing with salt water before and after every meal throughout the whole chemo cycle, rather than waiting for the sore mouth to kick in, worked a treat. Although it’s a shame not to have such a good excuse for eating ice cream three times a day.

Itchy unmentionables – nappy cream. Used preventatively. It’s worth it, and it’s probably best to take my word for it rather than waiting to find out for yourself.

Dry skin – having tried (mainly due to kind friends giving me lovely sets of toiletries) the equivalent of around two-thirds of the world’s moisturiser mountain in products, I found nothing really beats a standard intensive Nivea or E45 cream. Which is good, because I’ve used about a tub a week, and they are relatively affordable.

Nose / other orifice-related dripping and bleeding – I find carrying a small packet of tissues at all times can significantly reduce embarrassing social situations. Who knew that nasal hair kept itself so busy when it was around?

Sore feet – as with the mouthwashes, after buying enough posh pedicure products to fill several bathroom cabinets, and waiting a week for the blistering and peeling to abate, I found that applying a supermarket own-brand cracked heel repair cream every morning and night throughout the cycle did a good deal to assist my feet in their daily efforts to heft me about. Similarly, wearing those proper running socks with the handy ‘left’ and ‘right’ labels seems to help, and also creates an impression that some serious fitness activity (as opposed to gentle ambling) might be in progress.

Flaking nails – painting them might protect them. Not sure. It looks better though.

Hair loss – see Say Cheese! and Bargain Corner

It’s a stitch up! – I’ve had three operations as part of my treatment. All relatively minor, but the main lessons learned were to eat and drink in full view of a medical professional as soon as I felt well enough. Also to visit the toilet (though not in full view this time, preferably). The main criteria for being allowed home appear to be that things can go both in and out.  Once home, keep clean and use cream. Wear a good bra. Do exercises as directed. Mainly, ensure that whichever arm is not likely to be affected by the operation is well practiced in shovelling in food and drink.